Analysis of a Conversion, Three Tsunamis of grace

Grace alone is not Catholic Teaching

Before I begin, I want to remind Catholics that the Doctrine of Grace alone is a false doctrine which Protestants invented in order to deny the authority of the Church, the authority of Priests, the efficacy of the Sacraments and the necessity of good works.

The Catholic Church Teaches the necessity of Grace and that all things are by God’s grace.  Therefore, the Church, our Priests, the Sacraments and even the works which we do are the result of God’s grace.  But it is by our participation in the grace that it becomes efficacious in our lives.  The Catechism puts it this way:

1847 "God created us without us: but he did not will to save us without us." To receive his mercy, we must admit our faults. "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Why are we talking about Grace alone?

When I came back to faith in God, I was confused about this, because, well, let me just tell it.

By this time, I was married

As I’ve mentioned, I was an atheist from the around 7 years of age.  And I was going along on my merry, atheistic way.  I met a beautiful young lady, Catholic, and we were married.  I was married, three years, to my Catholic wife and hiding my atheism from her, because I loved her and didn’t want to give her any undue distress.  

We were married in the Church because she wouldn’t have it any other way.  She said, “Either we get married in the Church or we don’t get married.”  It was an ultimatum.

So, we got married in the Church.  Although, I gave the poor priest fits at every opportunity.  I don’t think he’d ever met a more uncooperative and unappreciative groom.  But he stuck to his guns and we had a perfectly valid and orthodox wedding.  So everyone thought.  Except that I didn't believe in God, which is definitely a canonical impediment.  (Don't worry, we've done it again, this time everything was right.)

Anyway, afterwards, I rarely went to Church with my wife, except for big events, to keep the peace.  On her part, my wife never nagged. She went to Mass, if not every Sunday.  At least, regularly.  She might miss for emergencies and special occasions.  But that was it.

First Tsunami, we’re going to have a baby

We had been trying to have a baby, for three years.  One day, in late October or early November, 1986, I came home from work to find my wife in the kitchen.  She was working back then, so it was rare to find her home.  We normally drove home from our respective jobs at around the same time.

Anyway, when she heard me, she walked up to me and said, “We’re having a baby.”  At that instant, I was transported.  It was as though there were an added depth or dimension to the present moment. Like moving in slow motion.  But, since I’ve always been hard of hearing.  And therefore, frequently misunderstand what people have actually said.  I heard myself ask her to repeat it.  She did.  And it confirmed what I thought I heard.  

I didn’t realize it, but I was on Cloud 9

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that way.  I’ve actually had a great deal of experience with that, since I was an avid reader and an athlete.  It’s like when you’re reading a great book and you’re so absorbed that you lose track of time and reality.  You’re literally living in the book.

Or, when you’re playing an intense game and you’re lost in the moment.  I remember when I was in high school, playing basketball and the coach would call a time out.  He would have to snap us out of our fixation so that we could hear and understand what he was saying.  They call it, being in the zone.

This was very much like that, but in my opinion, deeper.  I could see and hear everything, but everything was moving in slow motion and colors were richer and deeper.  I walked outside and for the first time, I could see God’s hand at work in the universe.

From one moment to the next, I went from atheist to believer.  In one instant, I believed in God and all His goodness.  Every argument that I had ever used to deny God’s existence, I could now turn around to prove God’s existence.  I believe I received a gift of infused knowledge at that moment.  But I did not realize it.

All I know is that I looked at a cloud and knew with all certainty that God had put it there and that God was moving it.  I looked at a leaf and all the random veins within it and knew that God was the reason for those little canals.  I also knew that I had very little to do with the life that was being knit in my wife’s womb.  All I really did was have fun one night and now, something wonderful was happening and I was only the recipient of this gift.  Not its author.

That day,  I changed profoundly.  Before, I never thought about God.  From that moment, all I could think of was how I could repay God for such a wonderful gift.  I couldn’t think of anything.  So, I made up my mind to simply say “Thank you.”  Every waking moment, for the rest of my life.

Second Tsunami, productivity videos

The first tsunami of grace took me up into the heavens, in joy.  The second tsunami, knocked me to my knees, in tears.

Here’s how that started.  It was still 1986, around late November or early December.  The time of the year when nothing gets done around the office because of Thanksgiving and Christmas parties.  I was an accountant/auditor for a very large hospital.  One of the two largest in the world.  So, they picked this time to give us some continuing education.  They sent our whole office to a seminar on how to increase worker productivity.

The seminar consisted of two videos which we were to watch and then discuss.  Anyway, I think it was just two.  That’s all I remember.  The first one was about an experiment conducted by some big outfit, where they turned up the lights while people in a factory were working.  They turned them up and got more productivity.  So, at first they concluded that better visibility increased productivity.  Then they turned them down.  The more they turned them down, the more productive the people got.

Conclusion.  The lighting doesn’t matter, its whether management is paying attention that matters.  Its called the observation effect.

The second video was about a little girl who seemed to have a chronic injury on her forehead.  The Mom had brought her to a hospital to see why the wound kept coming back.  The Doctors couldn’t figure anything out.  But they started noticing that the wound would reappear or become aggravated every time the Mom visited.  They started to suspect the Mom was causing the injury.  So, they installed some hidden video cameras and had the Mom come to see her child.  The Mom came in and sat coldly with her child.  Then, the Mom left.  As soon as she was out the door, the child took a toy and smashed it against her forehead and howled in distress.  The Mom then rushed in and cradled the child in her arms and did her best to sooth her pain.

It turns out that the only time the child received affection from her Mom, was when she was sick or injured.

And THAT floored me.  I don’t know what lesson I was supposed to learn.  But all I saw was a baby that needed love.  And I couldn’t stop crying.  Most of the people in my office were moms.  I just told them that the film had really affected me.  But I cried and cried, all the way to the office and for many weeks.  Not just at the office, but also at home.  I couldn’t look at a child without remembering the child in the video and breaking down.  

Thank God it was the holiday season, because everybody’s productivity was down.  I couldn't do any work.  I spent hours on my knees in my cubicle, calling out to God (quietly, in my thoughts, of course) and asking Him to take care of my baby that was on the way.  I had come to realize that even if I was around, so many things could happen to my baby that were beyond my control.

I didn’t recover from that until the New Year.  Actually, I have never really recovered from that.  Even now, just thinking about that little girl, I’m tearing up.

I didn’t know it then, but that is a spiritual gift.  It is called the gift of tears.

One of my dumb thoughts

Before the second tsunami but after the first, I had a dumb thought pop into my head.  I had decided that I would not teach my child anything about God.  I’d let her, (somehow I knew she was a girl), decide for herself.  I’d let her go to Church with her Mom and I’d just keep on living my life.

I had never been afraid of hell

I couldn’t imagine it.  It was too distant a place.  

During one of those times that I was crying on my knees in my cubicle, I realized that children don’t do as you tell them.  They do as you do.  I could see my little girl going to hell along with me.  And that is when I became afraid of hell, for her sake.  I couldn’t forgive myself if my child wound up in hell, even if she was there with me.

So, from that point, I decided that I would teach my child all that I knew about God.  And I also became determined to learn all that I could about Him.

Third tsunami, my daughter was born

My mom and grandma had always said that every child brings a basket of grace.  I don’t know if its a Mexican saying or what.  But my child didn’t bring a little basket.  She brought brought a whole truckload!  

My daughter was born and we were in the hospital.  When I had her in my arms and had a little privacy, I dedicated her to God.  I simply said, “God, you know that I can’t raise her without you.  I am giving her back to You.  Right now!  You have to take care of her.  Because without you, I can do nothing.”

I was on Cloud 9 again and I told my wife I was going to call my mom and give her the good news.  There was a bank of pay phones downstairs in the waiting room.  So, I went there to call my mom.  The telephones were at the entrance to the waiting room and the waiting room was nearly empty.  Just a couple of people.  One man, sitting quietly on one side of the room.  And another, standing on the opposite side, looking out the window.

The Voice

As I picked up the phone, I heard a voice directly behind me.  So close that I felt the warm breath on the back of my neck.  “When will you keep your promises?”  I turned around, but no one was there.  Confused, I looked from one end of the waiting room to the other.  No one was close to me.

Then I heard the Voice again, “When will you keep your promises?”  Then, my life was opened before my eyes and I could see myself from the time I was a child to the present, always promising God that I would go to Church if He would only do this or that for me.  

Then, I came  back to the moment.  Determined to keep my promises.  At the time, I was confused about one thing.  I knew that when I made those promises, I meant the Catholic Mass.  But, I no longer believed in the Catholic Church.  So, I didn’t know where God wanted me to go to Church in order to keep my promise.  It couldn’t possibly be the Catholic Church, could it?

This is when I went through about a three year process of studying various religions until I came back to the Catholic Church.  You can read about that, here.

My confusion about grace alone

Perhaps you will understand why I came back believing in the doctrine of grace alone.  It wasn’t until I realized that the doctrine is used by Protestant to deny the fact of man’s free will response to God’s love that I understood my error. 

Obviously, if we do not accept God’s grace and act upon it, we remain in the same condition that we were in before.  You should realize that this is just a summary of my conversion.  There were times when I thought I was simply going nuts and was tempted to deny the grace of God.  But, thanks to God, I didn’t.

Afterwards

After coming back to the Catholic Church, I realized that I needed to share the gift that I had received. And so, I’ve dedicated myself to teaching the Catholic Faith from that point.  First to my children and then, to anyone who will listen.

Thanks for listening.  I hope my conversion is a blessing to you.  I hope it also gives you hope and consolation if your spouse or children are far from God. 

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, answer to prayer

Yes, answer to prayer.  To be more precise, I didn't know that my prayers were being answered.

In a really unbelievable, mystical thing that was going on when I was an atheist, God showed me that my prayers, had been answered.

Let me explain.  The saying, "there are no atheists in foxholes" was very true for me.  Whenever I felt that I was in danger, I reached out to God. And considering my lifestyle, that was very frequently.  But, I was never very grateful when I found myself safe and sound.  I attributed that to my quick thinking or to luck.  But not to my prayer.  Nor to God's grace.

One of the strange things about me, is that, although I considered myself an atheist, I frequently found myself talking to someone in whom I professed not to believe.  I don't know if that is common amongst atheists.  But, whenever I was drunk and alone, which was a great deal of the time, I spent much of my time complaining to someone who wasn't there.  Someone whom I would attribute as the cause of all my troubles and whom I apparently believed had the power to change my circumstances.  Then I would ridicule myself for talking to myself.  And then I would do it again.

Strange, huh?

Here's one prayer that will always stand out in my mind.  When I was very much an atheist, in college, and I first set eyes on the woman whom I would one day marry.  The following prayer escaped my lips before I could think about it.  I said, "God, if you give me that woman for my wife, I will go to Church every Sunday."

Well, I went down to introduce myself, she completely ignored me and I said, "That's what I get for praying."  But the next day, she was in my first class.  And then in another.  And then we met.  And then we became friends.  And then, we got married.  I had forgotten all about my prayer, though.  But God reminded me, when the time was right.

And that brings us to the point of why I came back to the Catholic Church.  We'll start on that, next time.

Analysis of a conversion: Three Tsunamis of Grace

Before I begin, I want to remind Catholics that the Doctrine of Grace alone is a false doctrine which Protestants invented in order to deny the authority of the Church, the authority of Priests, the efficacy of the Sacraments and the necessity of good works. 
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Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, lack of knowledge

Yes, lack of knowledge.

Previously, I mentioned that I didn't know why I needed to go to Mass.  But there were lots of other things which were not adequately explained to me in Catechism.  At least, that's how I felt.  But, maybe, I just wasn't paying attention.

Here are some of the many things which I could not answer and did not know how to get an answer, when I was growing up.

How do you know that God exists?

Why do we pray the Rosary?

Why do we pray to the Saints?

Why do we kneel?

Why do we make the sign of the Cross?

Why do we do one version of the sign of the Cross when we come into Church and another before the Gospel?

If God is so great, why does He need us to worship Him?

If the world began with Adam and Eve, what about the dinosaurs?

There were lots and lots of things that I couldn't answer and no one seemed to be able to answer either.  In fact, they seemed to get mad when I asked these questions.   Not just Catholics.  So did Protestants.  All their answers amounted to, "the Bible tells me so."  But when you ask them, "where?"  They can't provide the answer.

The only ones who seemed very happy to answer all questions about faith, were atheists.  Because, of course, they wanted to shoot it down.

And since no one could or would answer my questions, I assumed there were no answers to the questions.  And so, if religion could not provide me all truth, then its claims for itself were false.  And I fell away.

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, the meaning of faith

Yes, the meaning of faith.

Mark Twain once quipped, "faith is believing in something you know ain't so."  That really made me laugh.  Because, that is almost the same thing that Catholics had always said to me.

Try this yourself.  Ask a Catholic if he believes that God exists.  Typically, here's the answer I get, "I don't know.  I have faith that he exists."

I don't know?  I'm sorry to tell you this, folks.  But that isn't faith.  That is a logical conundrum.  It is impossible to have faith in someone whom you don't know exists.  Here's what Scripture says:

Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please God. For he that cometh to God, must believe that he is, and is a rewarder to them that seek him.

If someone asks you whether you believe that God exists, the answer to that question is, "YES!"  Here is the way that Jesus Christ wants you to answer that question:

Matthew 22:37 Jesus said to him: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind.

There's no room for doubts where the existence of God is concerned.  Faith is believing in God and trusting Him with all your heart.  In fact, loving Him with all your heart and soul and mind and body.

But that's not the answer that I ever got from Catholics.

Maybe I was asking the wrong Catholics.  I hope so.  Nevertheless, this sort of lukewarmness was not attractive to me.  And I fell away.

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, party time

I think it was St. Francis of Assisi or it might have been St. John Vianney, who, having passed by a bar where everyone was singing and enjoying themselves, arrived in Church to witness all the sad faces and quipped, "No wonder the bars are full. Who would want to be a Christian after looking at your gloomy faces?" 
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Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, party time

Yes, party time.

I think it was St. Francis of Assisi or it might have been St. John Vianney, who, having passed by a bar where everyone was singing and enjoying themselves, arrived in Church to witness all the sad faces and quipped, "No wonder the bars are full.  Who would want to be a Christian after looking at your gloomy faces?"

It reminds me of the scene in the Emperor's New Groove, where Gronk's shoulder demon says to him, "Don't listen to that guy (pointing to the angel).  He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness.  I'm trying to lead you down the path that ROCKS!"

And yes, that is a very real phenomenon.  At least, it was for me.

In me, you had a child who was not convinced that God exists.  And therefore, was not convinced that there was any such thing as absolute truth or right and wrong.  And was convinced by the actions of people on the streets, that might makes right.  And was beginning to believe that love, except for the love of a mother for her children, love was a fiction.

Self sacrifice and righteousness seemed like good things but out of fashion.  In reality, good guys finish last.  Girls really don't want nice guys, they prefer the bad boys.  And so, there was very little incentive to be good.

Add to that the fact that church going people seemed really uptight.  Except for Pentecostals.  There were a couple of Pentecostal churches around the corner from my house.  And after their gatherings, there were accounts I heard of throwing babies in the air and fat women falling on the ground.  They seemed too wild.

Otherwise, church going people just didn't seem interesting to me.  They were full of "thou shalt not's".   They pretty much, just said, "no" to everything.  They didn't seem to have any joy in their life.

For me, it was party time.  The Catholic Church was nowhere on my radar.  Except, maybe, as something to bash.

Solutions

So, what is the solution to this?  

Well, its grace.  Before my conversion, I had no joy in anything religious.  But afterward, God poured His grace into my heart until it felt as though it would burst.  And then He shot me with, what St. John of the Cross called "love darts".  These experiences filled with me with an ecstasy which I can only compare with one other thing in life.  The marriage bed.  I hope that doesn't sound vulgar, but its true.

That doesn't mean that I don't suffer.  I still suffer.  But I can now, most of the time, suffer with joy.  As the Scripture says:

Acts 5:41 And they indeed went from the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were accounted worthy to suffer reproach for the name of Jesus.

When I was falling away from the Faith, I heard about this phenomenon.  But I rejected it and, in fact, ridiculed it.  But, I wasn't ready to receive His Word then.  God's prevenient grace had not made my soul fertile ground, yet.

So, then what?  Is it hopeless for us to preach to anyone?

If it is all by God's grace, why should we preach to anyone?  Precisely because it is all by God's grace.  As the Scripture says:

Romans 10:14 How then shall they call on him, in whom they have not believed? Or how shall they believe him, of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear, without a preacher?

It is God who prepares our hearts to accept His Word.  We don't know whom God's prevenient grace has prepared for His message.  Therefore, we must constantly preach the love of God to all who are within hearing distance.  Especially to those whom we love the most.

And we don't have to preach by words.  Let your light shine before all men, that the Father of lights may be glorified in you.

Analysis of a Conversion, why I left the Catholic Church - I had a dream

When I was very young, I had a recurring dream. I guess I was around 5 years old when I first remember having the dream. The dream was that I could “fly”. It wasn’t real flight. It was more like the “Flying Nun” type of flight. I had this dream about three years before the show came on the air, so I don’t think the dream was influenced by it. 
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Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, other Christians

I've been cataloguing the main reasons why I left the Church.  In case you're keeping up, so far I've gone through the introduction, the devil's trick, my aversion to kneeling, my hatred of the Mass, and in my previous entry, I revealed that one of the reasons that I left the Catholic Church was becauase of the witness of other Catholics.  But Catholics weren't the only ones giving poor witness in those days.  So were other Christians.

What a different world this is to the world in which I was raised.  When I was young, only one household in the neighborhood had a television.  That same household had a telephone.  The rest of us didn't have them, so we didn't miss them.  We spent most of our waking hours, outdoors.  Playing baseball, basketball, football, soccer, even spinning tops and casting marbles.  Or we just explored and played using our imagination.  Does anyone remember imagining being a dinosaur?  Or a panther?  Or a soldier?  And as for me, I also spent a lot of time, reading books.  One of my favorite subjects was dogs.  And one of my favorite authors was Jack London.  In one of his books, Jack London said something that had a profound effect upon me.  He said that each man makes his own god.

This rang so true to me.

This article would more accurately be described as, "Why I became an atheist".   You see, I could have left the Catholic Church and gone to another Christian denomination, the way others have done. But I spent a lot of time outdoors and I saw Protestants.   There were Baptists, here.  Jehovahs, there.  Presbyterians, over there.  And they were always stopping people who were minding their own business and asking them if they were saved.  And then, trying to force their religion upon them if they didn't like the answer.  There weren't very many in my mostly Catholic neighborhood, but those few were making a nuisance of themselves.  Whenever I saw one, I would cross the street to avoid him.

As I said in the previous article, Protestants like to claim that Catholics don't give very good example of Christianity.  But guess what, to an atheist, neither do Protestants.  Yeah, they do a lot of talking.  Loud talking.  But they don't walk the walk.  That is why, outside of Protestant circles, Protestantism, is known as Catholic lite.

I still remember the day when my Protestant friend derided me for being drunk at a billiards bar.  He assumed that I was Catholic.  But I was atheist.  Funny thing, he was also drunk at the very same billiards bar.  So, I turned it around on him.  I said, "Don't give me that, your sitting here drunk as me, and I seen you in your suit walking into church on Sunday."  And that is the first time I heard this rejoinder, "Christ died for my sins!"  Giving me to understand that he could sin at will because Christ had died for all his sins.  That sounded ludicrous to me.  After all, I'd been to Catechism.  So, I said, "That's not what that means!"  Then I remembered that I was an atheist and dropped the matter.  What's the sense in fighting over something in which I didn't believe anyway, right?

In my life, I've met lots of Protestants who believe like that.  Although many "confessional" Protestants deny that those type of Protestants exist at all, I get the impression they are the majority.

Aside from the bad example of most Protestants that I've ever met.  It is the reason why that saying of Jack London's rang so true to me.  I had the impression that every Protestant had picked up a bible and by virtue of their belief in Sola Scriptura, had made of himself, his own god.  Believing, not what was passed down by Jesus Christ, but only that which they wanted to believe.  This is something which Jesus Christ sought to prevent when He said:


John 17:20 Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;  21 That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.  22 And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one:  23 I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me.

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, Public Schools

I can truly say I lived a sheltered life, until I was enrolled in Public School. I had been led to believe that teachers were nice people who loved children. But my very first teacher was a chain smoking woman who loved nothing better than to crack her knuckles or her ruler on the nearest student, just cause she could. 
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Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, other Catholics

Yes, other Catholics.

I've heard this one before from Protestants.   Many of us don't give a very good example of Christian living.

Look at the Kennedy's.  Our beloved President, John F. Kennedy, flaunting his affairs before the whole world.

Our Supreme Court is mostly Catholic.  Have they overturned Rowe vs Wade?  No.  If anything, they've solidified it.

Look at Mardi Gras.  That spectacle of debauchery was originally a Catholic holiday.  The same with St. Patrick's day.  A day when people use a Saint's name as an excuse to get publically intoxicated.

And, I know that many people who are not truly Catholic, still call themselves Catholic.  Myself, for example.  I was an atheist for many years.  But who wants anyone to know that they are atheist?  I didn't.  I certainly wanted it to be kept secret from my mother.  So, I told no one.  But I didn't believe in God and I hated the Church.  Yet if anyone were to ask me, "What are you?"  My reflex response would be, "Catholic."

And it was true for me, as well.  In the last article, I revealed that part of the reason I didn't like to attend the Mass is because there were very few Catholic men in the pews.  I was a boy who, like all other boys, yearned for the day that I would be a man.  And I wanted to do manly things.  From my point of view, men did not go to Church.

And this is related to that.  As a child, I noticed that lots of Catholics got drunk and happily committed and boasted about all the sins that the Priest preached against on Sundays.

What a joke!

So, at that age, my question to Catholics was, "Do you think I'm stupid?  You forbid me the things which you enjoy and boast about.  Do as I say, not as I do."  No sir, I wasn't going to be left out.  I was going to get mine.

What's the solution?

This is a tricky one, folks.  To tell you the truth, they're all tricky.  In the past articles, I said that "I was determined to give good example and I was determined to give reasons for my faith, etc."  But I can do nothing without God's grace.  Unless God builds it, the house can not be built.

There's only one solution to all our problems.  God.

Before my conversion, I tried many times to quit many bad habits and I always failed.  But when I felt the grace of God coursing through me, I didn't even have to try.  The bad habits were taken away from me.

But folks, no matter what Protestants say, we are not saved by grace alone.  If I had not accepted that grace and cooperated with it, there are many times when I could have fallen back into the same hole.

Ora et Labora

Prayer and work.  We have to pray and we have to work to accomplish that for which we pray.  And by the grace of God, if we are single minded in seeking Him and His grace, He will reward us and grant us success.

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, other Christians

 

I've been cataloguing the main reasons why I left the Church. In case you're keeping up, so far I've gone through the introduction, the devil's trick, my aversion to kneeling, my hatred of the Mass, and in my previous entry, I revealed that one of the reasons that I left the Catholic Church was becauase of the witness of other Catholics. But Catholics weren't the only ones giving poor witness in 
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Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, I didn't like the Mass

The Mass?  Yep, the Mass.

In the last article, I revealed how, one of the reasons that I left the Catholic Church is because I did not like to kneel and pray.  It seemed excruciating torture to me.  And it was forced upon me by my parents, especially my grandmother, whenever she prayed.  Therefore, I learned, at a very young age, to despise and avoid prayer at all costs.

Fidgety kid

My disliking the Mass at that age, is partly for a similar reason.  But there is more to it.  Foremost, I think, is that, at that young age, when they dragged me to Mass, they expected me to sit still.  In those days, cry rooms were unknown, and I was a fidgety kid.  So, throughout the Mass, I would be rapped on the head with knuckles, elbowed and shushed until it was an experience I did not want to repeat.

Mention the Mass, guess what happened to this kid.  I would disappear.

No Men

There was more, however.  I was a young boy.  And I couldn't help but notice that the Mass seemed to be a woman thing.  My dad had died before I was born.  So, my mom and grandmom, had to rely on my uncle to drive us to Mass.  And he would oblige.  But he would drop us off and pick us up.

And he wasn't the only one.  On the way in to Church, we passed by a lot of men of varying ages, sitting on the stoop.  They would wait for their mothers, wives and daughters, outside.

And across the street, there were a group of men with guitars and beer bottles, singing and having fun.

Except for the Priest and a few elderly men, there were very few men in the pews.

So guess where this little boy wanted to be?  I wanted to be a man.  And men, didn't go to Church.

No Reason

Later, as I grew up, there was no adequate reason given to me why I should attend the Mass.  Maybe I missed that day in Catechism class.  Or maybe I just didn't understand it when it was explained to me.  But, except for someone saying to me that it was a mortal sin to attend the Mass, I didn't have a clue why I had to go.  Especially when most of the men in my life, didn't think it necessary either.

Lessons

I drew several lessons from this.  

First, most kids are fidgety.  I was determined, that when we took our children to Mass, we wouldn't make it a burden for them.  So, when they began to fidget, I would immediately take them outside and let them tire themselves out.  And when they had worn the wiggle out of themselves, I'd come back in.

Relatedly, our children were raised in the pews.  We are daily communicants and have always been since my children were born.  So, they learned, very early on, how to behave in the Mass.  Its much easier to ingrain a behavior in a child daily, than to expect them to remember to behave a certain way, once a week.  In addition, the daily Mass is much shorter in duration, so they get incrementally adjusted to it.

Let's give our boys and young men a good example.  Women have been holding the fort all alone for too long.  Real men, go to Church, go to Mass and pray.

Children learn by example.  This is something which I knew to be true.  So, I determined that I would give my children the example that they could follow.  And that I would never ask them to do anything which I would not also do.

And finally, reasons.  Folks, you can't give anyone that which you don't have.  How would you respond to a child that asks you, "Why should I go to Mass?"  Do you know why you should go to Mass?

I'm certain I'll give my response to this question in a later article.  So, I'll leave it at that for now.

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, I didn't like to kneel.

Kneeling?  Yep.  Kneeling.  I didn't like to kneel

In the last, "Analysis of a Conversion", I related how, when I was about 5 years old,  my grandmother taught me about the power of the faith of a mustard seed.  And how I completely missed the point.

In the conclusion of that article, I said that my grandmother didn't do anything wrong.  That is what you are supposed to do, teach the little children.  That's not the case this time.

Before I go on, I have to tell you something about my grandmother.  She was tiny, all of 4' tall, but she was powerful.  When I was 18 years old, she could lift me bodily.  She had to do it, one day, because I had passed out from a fever.

And, she could kneel forever when she was praying.  And she couldn't understand why others wouldn't do it.  I don't think it ever occurred to her that they couldn't do it.

My Grandmother

My grandmother was one of those grannies that always had a Rosary wrapped around her knuckles.  She seemed to be in constant prayer.  And she was a little Theologian.  Many of the things she taught me, come back to me when I'm reading my Bible or the Catechism.  She's the one who first said to me, "have the faith of a mustard see and you can do anything", "we are in this world to suffer", and "don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself."  I had no idea that these were lessons straight from Scripture.  And they are principles by which I live my life today.  But in that day and age, it was different.  I had no idea what she was talking about.

The poor thing was always trying to organize Rosary prayers in the neighborhood.  But when people got wind of it, they avoided her like the plague.  Because she didn't broach slouching, standing or sitting from anyone less than 90 years old.  Everyone had to kneel to pray.

So, the result was that she would go out in search of lost sheep to gather for prayer.  But while she was searching for one, the rest would scatter.  The only ones who would remain was her equally faithful sister and the grandson, when he didn't escape.

At that age, I couldn't sit still for very long.  Much less kneel.  The result was that prayer became a very unpleasant experience for me.  Something to be avoided at all costs.  And since I avoided prayer, I lost out on the graces which one accumulates with prayer.  Thereby making it easier for me to fall away from the faith.

Now, my grandmother had the best of intentions, but she was a bit too zealous for the rest of the world.  And, in my case, she expected a bit too much from a child of my age.  But for every cloud, there is a silver lining.

Therefore, I believe that kneeling may have been one of the reasons why I fell away.  But when I came back to the Faith, I was determined not to make the same mistakes that my own parents had made.  So, whenever I pray, I invite my children and I am just happy that they join me, no matter what posture they prefer.

And I'm happy to announce that, thanks be to God, to my knowledge, my four children are still faithful Catholics.  Some of them are over twenty years old, now.

What?  Are you saying we shouldn't kneel to pray?

No, no, no.  I kneel all the time now.  Especially in the Mass.

But at that age, I was neither mentally nor spiritually ready to KNEEL and pray.  I think I might have prayed if they had simply requested of me, one Hail Mary and an Our Father.

Whether I was spiritually ready is open to question.  However, I can safely assume that most of the grownups were mentally and physically capable of kneeling and praying.  But, few of them were spiritually ready, either.  Its as though my grandmother were Jesus and she asked them, "can you not spend one hour with me?"  And most of them said, "No."  And scattered.

Conclusion

The lesson I draw from this, is that faith is not coerced.  People are at all stages in their journey of faith.  Some can happily and readily kneel to pray.  But some are struggling even to sit nearby and listen to others pray.

So, let's not add to their burdens.  Let's make prayer a pleasant and joyful experience for all concerned.

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, other Catholics

I've heard this one before from Protestants. Many of us don't give a very good example of Christian living. Look at the Kennedys. Our beloved President, John F. Kennedy, flaunted his affairs before the whole world. Our Supreme Court is mostly Catholic. Have they overturned Rowe vs Wade? No. If anything, they've solidified it. 
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Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, the devil made me do it

I've been talking with people of many faiths for over 20 years, now.  During that time, I've met a great number who fell away from the Catholic Church.  Catholics are, by far, the largest group of Christians.  By ourselves, we total over 1 billion.  But, somewhere, I heard that the 2nd largest Christian group, is fallen away Catholics.  In the US there are 71 million Catholics and 36 million ex-Catholics.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could get them all back?

Let's pray for that.

But, I digress.  In this article, I would like to begin to analyze how I fell away from the Church.  Its a subject that is dear to my heart.  I have often thought about it and tried to analyze it, in order to come up with a plan to keep my own children from reliving my mistakes.

Why I left the Catholic Church - The devil made me do it.

Believe it or not, I think my journey out of the Catholic Church began when I was about 5 years of age.

Just as Satan tricked Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, Satan tricked me when I was of a very tender age.  

I went to pre-kindergarten and kindergarten.  I don't remember everything about those days, but I do remember my first day at school.  I remember my kindergarten teacher harshly introducing me to her style of authority by slapping one of my fellow students on the back with her ruler.  This impressed me so much, that I preferred wetting my pants to raising my hand and letting her know that I needed to go to the bathroom.

When I think back, I know that I was a very innocent and faithful little boy.  I remember counseling my fellow students to be good.  I remember that when I was asked how babies were made, I responded, "God gives them to people when they get married."  So, I believed in God in those days.

But I also remember that, one day, as I was preparing to go outside and play with my friends.  I was standing near the door of our small apartment.  My grandmother came out of the middle room, obviously excited.  She stopped me and pointed at something in her hand.  It was a tiny seed.  And she said, "Do you know, that if you have this much faith, you can tell a mountain to move and it will move?"  

I don't remember saying anything in reply.   Although, I may have said, "I have more faith than that!" If I didn't say it, I thought it.  After my grandmother's lesson, I stepped outside with the idea that I would put that new knowledge to a test.  After all, I lived in an area surrounded by mountains.  I could test this premise, easily.  I knew that I had more faith than that little seed.  So, I walked to the corner of the street where I could have an unobstructed view of our largest mountain and I said, "Move!"  I waited a few seconds. 

Just as I suspected!  Nothing.  It occurred to me that this test might be a little unfair.  After all, that was the largest mountain.  Maybe it was too big for God to move.  So, I looked at the smaller mountain, next to that one.  And I said, "Move!"  Again, I waited a few seconds.  

Still, nothing.  Again, maybe this test was also, unfair.  There were some clouds over the little mountain.  They were little clouds and light.  Obviously.  Maybe the little mountain was also too big for God.  But these little clouds, they were nothing at all.  If what my grandmother said was true, then these little clouds should be easily moved in the opposite direction that they were traveling.  So, I looked at them and said, "Move!"

Again, nothing.  

Now, that whole thing might seem innocuous enough to all of you.  But, I remember having the distinct thought, at that moment, "Maybe God doesn't exist at all."

Where did that thought come from?  As I think about it now, I know where it came from.  It came from Satan.  It was a little weed that he planted that would grow later in my life.

Think about it.  My grandmother didn't do anything wrong.  She was instilling her faith in her grandson.  Who would have imagined that this grandson would go out and turn the entire lesson upside down?

What lessons can we draw from this?

I think the lesson we can draw boils down to the Parable of the Sower.  In Scripture, Jesus tells us that we preach the Word like a farmer sows his seed.  Sometimes those seeds fall on ground that is not ready to receive it.  And, I, was obviously, not ready to receive that word on that particular day.

On that day, my grandmother did everything right, in accordance with the culture of the day.  Today, most of us wouldn't dream of letting a 5 year old have the run of the streets.  In those days, parents wouldn't dream of letting their children stay indoors.  It wasn't natural.  Children were supposed to be outdoors, playing with their friends.

Homeschooling was unknown amongst Catholics.  My grandmother gave me a short lesson that day.  But it wasn't something she was accustomed to doing.  Nor was it something that I would have probably allowed.  Even at that age, I knew how to sneak out of the house to avoid all kinds of things, like taking baths, doing chores and going to church.

So, another lesson we can draw, is this.  There's no way I can blame my grandmother for anything that she did that day.  She did all that she knew she was supposed to do.  There was another force at work that day.  And that force tricked another innocent, the way he tricked Adam and Eve, so many centuries ago.

Analysis of a Conversion - Why I left the Catholic Church, I didn't like the Mass

The Mass? Yep, the Mass.

In the last article, I revealed how, one of the reasons that I left the Catholic Church is because I didn't like to kneel and pray. It seemed excruciating torture to me. And it was forced upon me by my parents, especially my grandmother, whenever she prayed. Therefore, I learned, at a very young age, to despise and avoid prayer at all costs. Read more

Analysis of a Conversion, Intro

I am a "revert" to the Catholic Church.  When I was young, I very quickly fell away from my Catholic Faith.  And I often wonder, why?

And then, also, I wonder, why I came back?  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret coming back to the Catholic Church.  But, I wonder why God gave me the grace to come back.  And other people who seem to me, even more deserving, have not come back.  As an example, look at the people who authored the book, "I don't have enough faith to be an atheist".  They used very systematic logical methodologies to prove that God exists and is worthy of our faith.  Yet, why didn't they take that same methodology one step further and come to the conclusion, as I did, that the Catholic Church is the only true Church?

In this series, I want to analyze the reasons why people leave the Catholic Church.  I'm going to use myself as the prime example.  But I will also add some thoughts which I've heard expressed by people with whom I've spoken in the past about their conversions.  And maybe some  things which people have posted on the Internet.

And then, I want to move into, why I came back.  A discussion about the mystery of grace and then some logical explanations of the Catholic Faith.   Especially, I want to provide the Biblical basis of Catholic Doctrine.  I have found that most people who leave the Catholic Church for Protestantism are not aware of the close relationship between the Bible and Catholic Doctrine. In addition, I want people to understand the joys of being Catholic. The exhultation of being one with Christ in the Holy Eucharist. The comfort of knowing that one is cleansed of his sins in Confession. The knowledge that one is a born again son of God in Baptism. That glory of praying with a billion Catholics every Sunday, with one voice and one heart, glorifying God. And the humbling knowledge that when we join the Church in glorifying God in the Mass, we are united to the entire heavenly host!

Finally, I want to get into how we can break the vicious cycle that leads to our children falling away from their Faith.  How can we, by the grace of God, raise faithful children who won't have to learn the same horrible lessons that we did, from experience?  But who will live according to the Teaching of the Magisterium throughout their lives.  How can we pass on our Faith in this Culture of Death where the world is telling our children that good guys finish last and that meaning of life boils down to who has the best toys.  How can we pass to our children the joys of being grace filled, faithful, children of God?

So, I hope you join in the discussion and leave your comments. I'm very interested in all that you have to say.  

Analysis of my conversion, kneeling

Kneeling? Yep. Kneeling. I didn't like to kneel.

Raise your hand if you can't stand to kneel.

In the last, "Analysis of a Conversion", I related how, when I was about 5 years old, my grandmother taught me about the power of the faith of a mustard seed. And how I completely missed the point....

Read more.

Analysis of my conversion

Check it out, here.